Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Rain and Rainbows

Life is a funny thing. It can be beautiful, wonderful, and satisfying...and it can also be ugly, mean, and devastating. I think that's the point of life...it hands us the bad in order for us to appreciate the good. And I guess that's what it's doing right now.

Over the weekend, Daniel and I found out that we were having a miscarriage. I started spotting on Saturday night, and the bleeding just got worse on Sunday so we headed to the ER. The doctor there was terrible...he had no compassion. He gave us very little information and sent us home. He told us that my HCG levels were too low for a pregnancy of 8 weeks, and that I was probably having a miscarriage. So we headed home.

I went to my regular doctor yesterday, and he told us pretty much the same thing. He said it just wasn't a viable pregnancy, and there is nothing that we could do about it. He assured us that it was nothing that we did wrong, and that it doesn't mean we can't try again if we wanted to. He did an exam, and told me that it was "almost over", and to go home and relax. 

I don't know that I have ever felt quite the way that I do right now. I am heartbroken, which I guess is understandable. I find myself doing just fine one minute, and a complete disaster the next. I'm on an emotional roller coaster that I really wish I could jump off of. It's so strange to me that on Saturday we were talking about whether or not this baby would be a girl, what we were going to name him or her, and how Levi would react to not being the baby anymore. Now, it's just gone. Just like that...there was a baby in my belly one day, and the next it's just gone. I keep hoping that it's just a bad dream and I am going to wake up tomorrow and still be pregnant and planning for another little baby to come into our world. The more time that passes, I know that I am awake, and that it's real. And that sucks. 

A lot of people say that at 8 weeks, it's just a bunch of tissue. It's not really a baby yet. This really just pisses me off. At 6 weeks, my baby had a heartbeat. At seven weeks, my baby started moving around, even if I couldn't feel it. At 8 weeks, my baby would have started growing his or her arms and legs. I don't care what anyone says...that WAS a baby. It was my baby, and I wanted it. And now it's gone.

I know that this isn't the end of the world. It will take a little time, but I'll get over it. I already feel a little better today. I know that everything happens for a reason, and in time I'll probably understand why. And even if I don't, I just trust that life and nature know what they are doing. I know that it's better that it happened now, then further down the road. I know it's my body's way of ending something that wouldn't have worked out anyway. I know I didn't do anything wrong, and that this doesn't effect any future pregnancies and their outcomes. I know all of these things...but it really doesn't make it any better. I still lost a part of me...even if it was teeny tiny. It was mine, and I'm sad. I guess I'm entitled to that.

Daniel has been extremely supportive. I know he doesn't feel exactly the way I do, but I know he's disappointed. That was his baby too. I don't know what I would do without him...I've never seen him care so much, or show so much compassion. He keeps telling me that everything will be ok, and it's ok to be sad. He has been so patient with my crying outbursts. I think this experience has made me appreciate and respect Daniel more...I truly have an awesome husband who loves me more than anything. I don't know many women who can say that. Even if he is usually emotionally void, I know he has a heart somewhere in there, and he has shown it to me so much these past couple days. I love him so much, and I am so thankful that he chose me to spend his life with.

Caiden is sad, but he understands that everything happens for a reason, and one day he'll get his little sister. And he knows that even if he doesn't, he has a wonderful little brother. 

This has made me appreciate my children in a whole new way. At one time, they were just that little dot in my tummy, and now they are wonderful, happy, healthy little people. How wonderful is that? I have two beautiful boys that I love with all of my heart, and I am so blessed to have them. I know they are going to be what keeps me busy until this cloud lifts, and I'm grateful for that. 

So...it's a beautiful day outside. Sunny, cloudless, and warm. Spring is coming, and it couldn't happen at a better time for me. Rainbows always come after the rain, and I am so looking forward to seeing mine. 






3 comments:

  1. Our little baby dot...we will never forget....thank you so much for sharing that little baby with us for such a short time. I love you. Time will heal and send us a rainbow.

    You cry alone at the window
    over the love that you lost.
    You gave in, never counting the cost.
    Rain like tears beat on your window melting your heart to the floor.
    No love returned and now you have less than before.
    It's never for nothing when you love with no return.
    No labor of love is in vain.
    Precious tears are changed to jewels in the rain.
    It's never for nothing!
    I can see the reward that you will have.
    Light your candle in the darkness cause it's never for nothing.
    Your precious tears will be changed to jewels in the rain... I love you Rachael.

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  2. Wow, crying over here. I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, I agree 100%....it IS absolutely a baby. I had a miscarriage at about 7 weeks & was totally devastated. I wish there was something different that I could say that would take away your sadness. Continue to surround yourself by all those people who love you...and we will add you and your family to our nightly prayers. God bless.

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  3. I'm all caught up on my reading...now if I could just get caught up on my writing!

    I had to hold back the tears on this post...well, I tried anyway...

    I love you so much, and I wish there was more that I could have done for you. I know that time will heal your pain, and I think that it's awesome that you will have this post and your tree so that we will never forget "baby dot".

    I know that the boys never see things like this the way that we do, but I'm glad that Daniel has been there for you and it's good that you see that and appreciate it, too. You know what Eric would have done..."Woman!...get up off your cryin, lazy butt and wash the dishes...or better yet, the clothes...and make me some tea while you're at it!" Ok, maybe he wouldn't be that extreme, but you know what I mean. :D

    Anyway, I love you...and when you hurt, I hurt...so get better quick!

    ~Manny

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