Monday, March 29, 2010

Weekend Highlights!

We had such a busy weekend! I guess that's not out of the ordinary though, is it?

On Friday, we just hung out around the house. Daniel, Caiden, and I snuggled up on the couch and watched "Where the Wild Things Are", which Caiden and I had been looking forward to seeing for quite a while.

Saturday morning, Caiden and I got up and did a thorough cleaning of his rather ridiculous room. We got into an argument, which ended in me taking almost every toy that Caiden owns and putting them in trash bags. I'm such a mean momma. About a month before Christmas while Caiden was in school, I went into his room and organized EVERYTHING. It took me about three days to finish, and Caiden and I made a deal that he would keep it that way and take care of his toys. Well, Caiden didn't hold up his end of the deal. When I went into his closet over the weekend to help him get it straightened up, it was AWFUL! All of his toys were just crammed in there, and definitely not in their place. There were toys that were broken, and Christmas presents that hadn't even been played with. His video games were strewn all over the room and out of their cases getting all scratched up. I was furious! I told Caiden that his family spends a lot of money on him, and he is being disrespectful for not taking care of his toys. I don't mind him being a slob, but trashing his toys is just not acceptable. So, we bagged everything up except for a few toys. He now has to earn back his toys by proving that he can keep his room picked up and by taking care of the toys that I left for him. He was pretty devastated, but I think (HOPE!) that I got the point across. After a week, if he has kept everything in order, I will start letting him have his toys back one by one. The problem with this is that I gave myself a lot of work to my fury of motherly rage, I threw everything in the bags haphazard. So now I am going to have to sort through all of the toys to make sure they are organized and he can pick out what he wants to get back. I have 8 full trash bags of toys (both in good condition and some broken ones) to sort through. Ugh.

Anyway, after the bedroom fiasco, Caiden, Levi and I headed to batting practice. Caiden did a great job, but he has some work to do. Hopefully Daniel's schedule won't be too bad this week and him and Caiden can get out into the batting cage and hit some balls. Levi had a great time...the field that Caiden practiced on was at the school so Levi had a chance to play on the playground. I wish I had taken my camera...he was so cute! I swear he went up and down the slide about a million times! He was tuckered out once we got home.

After practice, Caiden went and spent some time with his Nana and Pap-paw, and Daniel and I made supper, put Levi to bed, and watched a movie together. We watched "Taken", which is about a man whose daughter is abducted for human trafficking purposes. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep because I kept getting up to make sure all the windows and doors were locked and Levi was safe and sound in his bed. I'm so paranoid!

Yesterday was the highlight of the weekend! Daniel watched Levi, and Caiden, Nana, and I headed to Statesville for Taylor's state gymnastics meet. She was AWESOME! She placed first on beam and floor, 5th on bars and vault, and second all around! Which means she is the novice state champ on beam and awesome is that!? This meet determined the novice state team, which takes the top 6 girls in the novice level in the state to compete. Taylor placed 7th...which means she is the NC State Team alternate!! She was only beat by .025 points. I am so proud of her!!! To place in 7th out of 160 girls is such an awesome accomplishment. I just can't describe how proud I am, and how happy I am to have such a dedicated, hard working, awesome niece. She's amazing!!

Last night, there were several tornadoes that touched down around us. One was only about 4 miles away, and it completely demolished several homes. Daniel and I watched the news until late into the night, and we moved the boys into our bedroom on pallets in the floor. I didn't sleep a wink...I kept getting up to check on them and to check the news. We really need to get a weather radio! We are very fortunate to have escaped all of the storms, and to have just gotten some heavy rain and winds. Maybe I'll actually get some sleep tonight!

Today I am going to be cramming in some homework...because, as usual, I left it to the last minute. I always panic at this point, but I always manage to get it done so I'm trying to keep my cool. I also have some major laundry to tackle and a mess of blankets and stuffed animals in my bedroom floor to put away.

Hope you all have a wonderful Monday!

By the Monday Morning Missions for the week...we have family coming in to visit this weekend, Caiden is out of school for his Easter break, and Levi has a doctor's appointment. So I am just going to try to focus on getting prepared for all of that.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Friday Follow

In an attempt to gain some more blog friends and followers, I have joined the Friday Follow! If you'd like to join (and be entered to win a cash prize!), just click the Friday Follow button below, and be sure to leave me a comment so that I can follow your blog as well! Have a great Friday, everyone!

Friday Follow

Thursday, March 25, 2010

"Momma, are you proud of me?"

Caiden had his first swim practice tuesday night. He has joined a competitive swim team (something he's never done), and it is quite the commitment. Not only will he be practicing 2-4 times a week, he will also be traveling for some meets and the whole experience is going to be quite expensive. So yesterday, before we got in the car to head to practice, I began doubting whether or not this is something that I am willing to commit to.

After I saw Caiden in the water yesterday, however, I decided that my doubts were just plain retarded. I have never, ever, ever been more proud of that little boy. NEVER, EVER. He completely blew me out of the water (no pun intended). I think that this might just be a life changing experience for him, and for our relationship. Or at least, that's what I'm hoping for!

We got to the pool a little late because I had to drop Levi off at the daycare (which is a-whole-nother experience in itself). Caiden put his goggles on, and hopped right into the water. His first lap was amazingly fast and his stroke was beautiful, and his coach was very impressed. But that first lap was the only one that looked like that. The other kids on the team have been swimming for quite a while, so I knew that it was going to be a little tough on him. A little is not even close to the correct term! That coach worked those kids so hard...and Caiden had a miserable time keeping up. While the other kids were zooming through the water like little olympic powerhouses, Caiden was barely managing to keep his head above water. The kid can swim, don't get me wrong, but after about 5 million laps he was completely spent. I watched with pity as he did his best to keep up, looking like a drowning mouse in the process. Towards the middle of practice, he was barely able to move his arms and my heart was breaking for the poor scrawny kid who was desperately hanging onto the ropes to stay afloat. I could tell he was giving it his all, he was just exhausted. My hopes were temporarily dashed. I thought, he is NEVER going to want to come back. I felt embarrassed for him, as I knew he was thinking that he could never measure up to the other kids. But he kept on trying and never gave up once. I quietly went to ask his coach if almost drowning during the first practice was normal, and she laughed and said yes.

As Caiden climbed out of the pool looking like he had just survived the apocalypse, I found myself thinking, this kid deserves MAJOR props. Not only did he never, not once, give up or whine, there was not a single boy on his team. I was a little disappointed, because I just knew that that would be the last time he got in the water as a sport. Boy was I wrong!! We got out to the car, and he was beaming. His smile was literally from ear to ear, and he talked my ears off nonstop all night about how much he loved it and how he couldn't wait to go back for another practice. I was SHOCKED. I thought, he can't be serious? He almost died out there! He was pathetic! Of course, I didn't tell him that and when he asked, "Momma, are you proud of me?", the tears started flowing and I told him I had never been more proud of him in his little life. I told him that I had never seen such determination in the face of inevitable failure. It was truly inspiring to me to watch him that pool, and then to hear him say that he wanted to do it again was just icing on the cake.

So yesterday was his second practice, and I didn't torture myself by staying to watch. When I went to pick him up, his coach said that he did 10 times better and she believes that he has the potential to be great. She said his kick in strong, and he knows the strokes, he just has to build up the physical endurance to swimming for long periods of time. She said that she's excited for the next couple of weeks, because she thinks he'll do great. I'm so excited!! Caiden and I had a long talk about the commitment, the financial aspect of it, and of how it can help him. I told him that it will teach him self discipline, help him burn off some energy, get him in shape, and show him how hard work and not giving up really does pay off. He came home and immediately got on youtube to look up Michael Phelps and videos on how to improve your techniques and times. He talked about it all evening, and it's the first thing he talked about when he got up this morning. He even said that he wanted to skip baseball practice tonight and go to swim practice instead (which he can't, because he's already made a commitment to baseball which I plan on making him stick to). He also told me last night that I was very smart because I gave him some pointers. (Hah! I'm smart...who'da thunk it??)

So...the reason I think this will be his turning point is because of everything I listed above. Self discipline, hard work, commitment and not giving up are values that Caiden struggles with, and I am hoping that this will help me instill them in him. I think our relationship will improve, because that lack of values is what causes all our arguments and all his punishments. Also, since he has decided that I'm smart now, I think we might have something in common to talk about!! ;)

Hopefully he will have his bathing suit and swim cap soon so I can post a picture of my little future olympian!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Busy, Busy, Busy!

Caiden started another baseball season on Sunday. He will be practicing on Sundays and Thursdays for two hours. I am really excited about this season because I think that Caiden will really have a chance to shine. This is his last season playing in the rookie league, which is where they use a machine to pitch the ball. Next season, he will move up to the minor league, where the kids pitch. All of the older, more experienced boys have moved up to the minor league, so this go round Caiden will have the chance to be one of the older, more experienced boys. I'm so excited for him! Since we now have the batting cage here at home, Caiden will have plenty of opportunities to perfect his swing, and he has improved so much when it comes to catching and throwing. His coaches were really surprised at his arm. I was so proud of him at practice on Sunday when he caught a pop fly in left field while playing short stop and managed to get the ball all the way to first. I could see the smile on his face when everyone said "wow! what an arm!". That's my boy! Anyway, his first tournament is April 10th and 11th and we can't wait!

Caiden also decided to join a competitive swim team. This will be his first try at something other than baseball, basketball, and football. He is a little fish and has been swimming on on his own since he was 3 years old. He loves being in the water, and I really think he's going to enjoy it. It's a big commitment...the team practices up to 4 nights a week with 2 practices being required. Their meets are local, around the state, and also out of state for those who qualify. It's also a bit expensive, but I think it's worth it if it can teach Caiden some discipline and the value of hard work, not to mention an outlet for him to burn off all his excess energy. We finished up all of the paperwork yesterday and went and got him a pair of good goggles. His first practice is this evening, and when I woke him up this morning he opened his eyes and said, "I can't wait until tonight!". I can't either...I know it will be hard on me since it's not like the ballfield where I can take Levi and let him run around and play in the dirt. Swim meets are also long, and obviously there's not much for Levi to do. Since Daniel works so much, I know the bulk of the responsibility will be on me. Hopefully I can suck it up and find a way to make it work for Caiden. Levi will just have to learn to not be such a "tank" all of the time. :) And maybe one day they're will be two little Dolan's in the olympics...Taylor in gymnastics and Caiden in the pool!

So I now have on my calendar....Sunday and Thursday - Baseball practice. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - Swim practice.  And coming up soon we'll have games and meets to add to it. Not only that, but I am heading into the last half of the semester, which is where the workload gets more intense. Lovely. I was up until midnight (way past my bedtime) working on reading 80 pages, writing an essay, writing essay responses and taking a quiz. I started for the most part around 8:00pm and managed to finish it up right before the deadline. Talk about procrastination. I have no idea why I do that to myself! On top of all that business...I have a toddler to potty train, bills to pay, a house to clean, meals to cook, laundry to do, and a husband to take care of. Whew...I'm a busy woman! ;)

Monday, March 22, 2010

Crayons Go Up One Drawer Higher

Since Levi was of the age to enjoy coloring, I have kept all of his art supplies in our dining room hutch. It made it easy because it is right behind Levi's seat, so I just had to reach in and get everything out. I recently cleaned the cabinet out and organized his coloring basket in nice, neat baggies. It looked so wonderful. Well, today I discovered that it must be time to move the coloring basket to a different {HIGHER} location. Want to know why???

I should of seen it coming...he learned how to open the cabinet about a week ago. Why is it that I ALWAYS have to learn the hard way??? :)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Captain Hook (Sort Of!)

Caiden is having a "fairy tale ball" tomorrow at school. He wasn't too excited about it, since he thought he'd have to dress up as a princess or something. So mom saved the day, and made him a little more manly for his ball. Introducing....Captain Caiden Hook!

Notice his pirate-like expression?? LOL.

Best thing about this was free! I'm such a slacker, and usually I wait until the last minute with this type of thing, and I end up rushing out to the store the night before to try and find something, and I always end up spending a small fortune. I was determined not to do that this time. 

Caiden had an old white button up shirt and a pair of black PJ pants. I took an old red t-shirt and cut it to make it into a vest, and then tied one of my sweater belts around his waist. The hook is made out of aluminum foil (obviously), and I made the pirate hat out of newspaper. Then I painted it black with tempura paint and printed the skull and crossbones onto white paper, cut them out, and glued them on the hat. We're still looking for some shoes...he'll probably just have to wear his black basketball shoes.

I think I did a pretty darn good job for getting it done in about 30 minutes! He doesn't exactly look like Captain Hook, but it gets the point across, anyway. 

What to do now that I'm a grown up, an update, and American Idol

Yesterday, Daniel and I got to talking about what I want to get my bachelor's degree in. Right now, I am just enrolled in an A.A. degree program, which means I will transfer to a 4 year school after I get my associate's. What great about this degree is that I can pretty much go into any field that I want to, which was the whole point of choosing it. I wasn't really sure when I decided to go back to school what exactly I wanted to do.

I have changed my mind a million times...which I guess is normal, especially for me (my indecisiveness drives Daniel insane ;). I originally planned on going into special education and teaching in an elementary school. Then I thought about maybe teaching physical education...which was quite silly since I despise exercise, and I am far from being healthy. I would be quite the hypocrite, don't ya think?? Then I thought that I wanted to teach high school history....which I think I would really enjoy because I love history. Now I am thinking about maybe looking into journalism, which several people have said they think I would be good at.

So...what in the world am I supposed to do?? I have a little while to decide, since I won't finish my A.A. degree for a few more semesters. But it would be nice to have some sort of idea. Ideally, I would be able to talk to my advisor (since she is supposed to ADVISE her students during their academic career...), but she's a total crotchety hag, and refuses to guide me in any sort of direction aside from out of her office...totally frustrating.

Plan on me changing my mind at least 5 more times before I make a decision! :)

And an update on two things. First, we traded in Daniel's piece of junk and got him a decent truck yesterday. I have been calling it the "old man dookie brown truck" because it's (in my opinion) an ugly color. But it really is a nice truck other than that and, as far as we can tell, it is going to be reliable which is all that really matters.

Second...I went to the doctor on Tuesday to get everything set up for a D&C, but it turns out that my retarded body actually knew what it was doing this time around! They did an ultrasound, and it looked as though everything was clearing out on it's own and there is no immediate need for the surgery. Yay!! I'm so relieved. I really didn't want to have to go through that. I wanted to be able to put it behind me and  (somehow) move on. Daniel and I have talked a little bit about trying again, and I think we both really do want to try to add another little one to our family. The doctor told us to wait at least 2 months before trying again. I think Daniel and I are on the same page, and we are just going to see what happens. We weren't really "trying" before, and we're not going to this time either. We'll just see what happens and be happy with the result!

And now for American Idol. If you know me, you know that I watch AI every year. Even though I swear every year that I'm not going to watch it. :) Anyway, I am VERY disappointed in Lacey Brown going home last night. She has a nice voice, even though I know she wouldn't win it all. At least she's better than that stupid Tim Urban. The look on his face (week after week) of "OMG, are you serious?? I made it through? OMG!" is sooooooo annoying! And the fact that he wears skin tight shirts to show off his buffness is completely irritating. I will be so happy when that goofball gets sent home. Just for the faves are Siobhan Magnus (what a name!!), Lee Dewyze, and Didi Benami. I'm hoping Siobhan wins it. I really don't dislike anyone this year....except poo boy Tim Urban.

Have a great day!! (It's going to be a beautiful one here...67 and sunny!)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

No Way and Wow Wow!

Oh, my dear little Levi. Such a character, that boy! His new saying...which he says, oh, about 500 times a day.... "No Way!!". I thought "no way" would be at least another 3 or 4 years away! Another new saying he's added to his vocabulary which is expanding at an extremely rapid rate {note to self: do not say "Oh shit" when you drop your pocket book on the floor because Levi will throw his juice cup on the floor and say "oh sheet"} is "wow wow!". This just melts my heart, because when Caiden was about Levi's age he would run around the house saying "oh wow, wow!" all day long.

This got me to thinking. "Oh wow, wow" seems like yesterday. Caiden was Levi's size not too long ago, with his pretty big eyes, long eyelashes, and curly brown hair. Now he is so grown up. Watching him walk out the door to go to school this morning it dawned on me that my baby is 8 years old. 8!! I just can't believe it. Time goes by so quickly.

I'm so happy that I have a hard working husband who busts his ass, I mean bum bum, everyday to allow me to stay at home and raise these two wonderful little boys that I've been blessed with. I'm such a lucky girl!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Monday Morning Mission

I had an awesome was so relaxed, and I enjoyed every minute. On Saturday, Daniel had to go to the hunt club to do some stuff and Nana T came over and helped me get my house back in order. She thoroughly cleaned my laundry room...and now it's sparkling! She also did ALL of laundry (Mom, you're a brave woman!), and it smells sooooooo good. We dusted, vacuumed, swept, mopped, cleaned the bathrooms....the whole nine yards. I feel so much better...I was drowning in all the mess and dirt. I guess I was just a little overwhelmed with everything that has been going on lately, and tackling the mess seemed so daunting. Anyway, enough rambling...a


thank you to my lovely Mama for helping me get it clean! It feels so nice :)

Yesterday, Daniel got up and went outside to clean his truck. Caiden and Levi and I picked up the house and had breakfast and laid around until lunchtime, and then we went to the park. Of course, I forgot my camera, as usual. Then we went to Big Lots to look for a tree to plant for our Baby Dot...but we didn't have enough room in the car to bring it home. Daniel is going to go pick one up some time this week, and we'll plant it next weekend. I really wish I had a truck!! Junkman cooked us supper last night...corned beef, pinto beans, green beans, greens, and was so yummy!

Now, on to my Monday Morning Missions. I don't have a whole lot for this week, since my house is nice and clean.

1. Getting back into a routine. For the past couple of months, I've fallen into lazy mode. I haven't been getting up to take my shower before the boys get up, and I've been spending all day on the computer. By about 3:00, I realize that I smell terrible and the house is a disaster, and I spend all evening complaining about everything I have to do. So, I'm going to get back into my routine...hopefully this will help me get out of this funk I'm in.

2. Cramming a bunch of homework in. I should of taken advantage of Spring Break last week and gotten ahead, but of course I didn't. I have a feeling that a D&C is inevitable, so I am going to spend today and tomorrow getting as much homework done as possible so I don't have to worry about it later.

3. Figure out a way to get Daniel a new truck. Of course, Daniel's piece of crap truck is messing up again. Either we are going to have to put a big chunk of money into it to fix it (and then probably do it all over again a few months down the road because it's total CRAP), or just break down and buy him something more reliable. "I told you so!" is so bittersweet. When will he ever learn to just listen to me? Probably never. But that's ok, I love him anyway!

Well, that's it. Have a great Monday everyone!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Update and Randomness

I went to the doctor today to make sure my HCG levels are dropping like they should be, and my doctor decided he wanted to do an ultrasound because I haven't been bleeding very much.

The ultrasound was hard. I was supposed to be going this morning for an ultrasound to see my baby and the heartbeat, but instead I went this afternoon to see if the miscarriage was complete. It was pretty damn depressing. As I was sitting outside the ultrasound room, I heard a couple in there who was there for an ultrasound of their baby. I could here them laughing and saying "oh how precious!", and then I could hear their baby's heartbeat. It was complete torture. I literally wanted to run out of the doctor's office and scream.

Anyway, there is still some "stuff" (I don't really know how else to put it) in there. Quite a bit actually, which is why I haven't been bleeding very much. So my doctor told me that he wanted to do a D&C next week. I told him that I really didn't want to have to go through that, and I wanted to wait a little bit longer. He said that was fine, that I could come back in next Friday for another ultrasound. He said he doubted it would happen naturally, since my bleeding has slowed down and the cramps have almost completely stopped.

I really hope that he's wrong, and that my body can just do this on it's own. I know a D&C is a routine procedure, and it's no big deal. And actually, part of me would rather just get it over with, instead of waiting on my retarded body. But then again, having anything done at the hospital is a huge hassle when you have two kids at home.

Ugh. This sucks.

On to something a little more cheerful...I ordered some summer clothes for myself this week and I got them in the mail today. Most of the stuff fits, and what doesn't is too big, which is always a plus. I really love everything I bought, and I got enough so that I at least have an outfit for every day of the week, and I don't have to live in raggedy sweatpants all the time. I am so excited that the weather is warming up, but I went outside this evening to talk to Daniel and the mosquitos are already biting! That's one thing about warm weather that I don't think anyone enjoys!

I signed Caiden up for baseball last night. I am so excited about this season! It is his last season of machine pitch, and in the spring he will move up to the minor league (or kid pitch as we call it). I really hope he gets a good coach this year. His coach from last season moved up because his son aged out, and I don't know any of the coaches this go round. I also mailed off the paperwork for him to start on the swim team. I'm also super excited about that! I think it will be great for him. He really needs an outlet to burn off his excess energy, and this team seems to be very dedicated, which I am hoping will teach Caiden some self discipline and help him learn that everything worth achieving takes hard work. He will be practicing 2 nights a week at the pool and 2 nights a week at the baseball field. I guess we'll be super busy, but Caiden really wants to do both and I think it will do nothing but benefit him in the end. Hopefully I'm not kicking myself later!

Levi is crazy. Have I ever said that before? Really, he's a total nut. We're still having issues with bedtime and the opening and slamming door game. I have not been making him take a nap during the day, hoping that it would help at bedtime, but it's just making the days even worse. I love's really the ONLY time I have to myself. And the only time that I am productive when it comes to homework. I think I've discovered that cutting out naps really isn't helping...he's just crankier ALL afternoon, and he falls asleep in the floor way before bedtime. Tonight he went to bed at 6:40 in the living room floor completely naked because I hadn't dressed him yet from his bath. I'm not looking forward to seeing what time he decides to wake up in the morning. Anyway, he's crazy. I don't really know how else to describe him...he jumps off all the furniture, tries to sneak outside when I'm not looking, throws random things in the toilet, tries to give himself a bath when I'm not looking, runs around screaming "not funny!" with my panties on his head, and never fails to find me in the bathroom trying to pee in peace. But hey, the kid is so darn cute that none of that really matters. I just hope that if company is at the house and he decides to give them a show with my panties that he picks a pair that don't look like they belong to some old fat lady. Wait a minute...I don't have any cute panties because I have two wild children and I don't have time to be pulling pretty silk panties out of my butt all day. Oh well.

Now, just a random pointer...when backing out of the Arby's parking lot (or any parking lot for that matter), it's always good to put your car in reverse. It doesn't work out quite well when you put it in drive, look behind you, and hit the gas will end up running over the curb and almost hitting the old woman walking in front of you. Yes, I'm serious.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I Just Can't Help It!!

First and foremost, I want to thank all of you who have reached out to Daniel and I and shown us your sympathy. It means so much to us, especially me. As a stay at home mama, sometimes you feel as though you are completely cut off from the world. And I am, in a way I guess. I don't have much adult interaction, and I spend my day wiping little behinds and cleaning up spilled milk. It is so nice to know that I have people behind me that truly care. So, thank you to my wonderful family and friends, and also to my blog really does mean so much!

Now, on to my post for today. Yesterday was beautiful, and it really did wonders to get me through the day. I spent most of the day outside, and didn't really think about our Baby Dot until last night when I went to bed. I was so thankful for the's amazing what the sun can do for you when you've been cooped up in the house for, like, ever!! It is a little drearier (I guess that's a word?!) outside today than it was yesterday...and in an effort to keep my spirits up, I thought I'd post one of my favorite funny videos! Hope you enjoy! (Turn off my music at the bottom of the page so you don't have to listen to two songs at once)

I have a terrible habit...when people fall, I laugh. I just can't help it!! It's not that I'm insensitive, but any time I see someone fall, I just can't help but laugh at them. I really think it's more of a nervous laughter than anything else, but it still haunts me...everybody is always like "why are you laughing?? They really could have been hurt!"...come on, people...I know this. I just can't help it!! What's really bad is that I even do it with my own kids...Levi doesn't really care, but Caiden gets SO mad. I wish I could explain that I really don't mean to laugh! I even laugh at myself when I fall or get hurt...then I cry, of course.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Rain and Rainbows

Life is a funny thing. It can be beautiful, wonderful, and satisfying...and it can also be ugly, mean, and devastating. I think that's the point of hands us the bad in order for us to appreciate the good. And I guess that's what it's doing right now.

Over the weekend, Daniel and I found out that we were having a miscarriage. I started spotting on Saturday night, and the bleeding just got worse on Sunday so we headed to the ER. The doctor there was terrible...he had no compassion. He gave us very little information and sent us home. He told us that my HCG levels were too low for a pregnancy of 8 weeks, and that I was probably having a miscarriage. So we headed home.

I went to my regular doctor yesterday, and he told us pretty much the same thing. He said it just wasn't a viable pregnancy, and there is nothing that we could do about it. He assured us that it was nothing that we did wrong, and that it doesn't mean we can't try again if we wanted to. He did an exam, and told me that it was "almost over", and to go home and relax. 

I don't know that I have ever felt quite the way that I do right now. I am heartbroken, which I guess is understandable. I find myself doing just fine one minute, and a complete disaster the next. I'm on an emotional roller coaster that I really wish I could jump off of. It's so strange to me that on Saturday we were talking about whether or not this baby would be a girl, what we were going to name him or her, and how Levi would react to not being the baby anymore. Now, it's just gone. Just like that...there was a baby in my belly one day, and the next it's just gone. I keep hoping that it's just a bad dream and I am going to wake up tomorrow and still be pregnant and planning for another little baby to come into our world. The more time that passes, I know that I am awake, and that it's real. And that sucks. 

A lot of people say that at 8 weeks, it's just a bunch of tissue. It's not really a baby yet. This really just pisses me off. At 6 weeks, my baby had a heartbeat. At seven weeks, my baby started moving around, even if I couldn't feel it. At 8 weeks, my baby would have started growing his or her arms and legs. I don't care what anyone says...that WAS a baby. It was my baby, and I wanted it. And now it's gone.

I know that this isn't the end of the world. It will take a little time, but I'll get over it. I already feel a little better today. I know that everything happens for a reason, and in time I'll probably understand why. And even if I don't, I just trust that life and nature know what they are doing. I know that it's better that it happened now, then further down the road. I know it's my body's way of ending something that wouldn't have worked out anyway. I know I didn't do anything wrong, and that this doesn't effect any future pregnancies and their outcomes. I know all of these things...but it really doesn't make it any better. I still lost a part of me...even if it was teeny tiny. It was mine, and I'm sad. I guess I'm entitled to that.

Daniel has been extremely supportive. I know he doesn't feel exactly the way I do, but I know he's disappointed. That was his baby too. I don't know what I would do without him...I've never seen him care so much, or show so much compassion. He keeps telling me that everything will be ok, and it's ok to be sad. He has been so patient with my crying outbursts. I think this experience has made me appreciate and respect Daniel more...I truly have an awesome husband who loves me more than anything. I don't know many women who can say that. Even if he is usually emotionally void, I know he has a heart somewhere in there, and he has shown it to me so much these past couple days. I love him so much, and I am so thankful that he chose me to spend his life with.

Caiden is sad, but he understands that everything happens for a reason, and one day he'll get his little sister. And he knows that even if he doesn't, he has a wonderful little brother. 

This has made me appreciate my children in a whole new way. At one time, they were just that little dot in my tummy, and now they are wonderful, happy, healthy little people. How wonderful is that? I have two beautiful boys that I love with all of my heart, and I am so blessed to have them. I know they are going to be what keeps me busy until this cloud lifts, and I'm grateful for that.'s a beautiful day outside. Sunny, cloudless, and warm. Spring is coming, and it couldn't happen at a better time for me. Rainbows always come after the rain, and I am so looking forward to seeing mine. 

Friday, March 5, 2010

The Boy and the Mouse

Poor Caiden. For the past couple of months he has been asking for a pet. Daniel and I have tried to tell him in a nice way that he is just not responsible enough to have one. We've had animals in the house before, and Caiden was the one who was supposed to take are of them. Of course, it never works out that way. Lately, he's asked for the following:

A puppy. "I need a buddy, mom!" My response: "You have a brother, and I already spend enough time cleaning his accidents out of the carpet."

A snake. I said yes. Daniel said no. Unfortunately, he has the last word.

A lizard. What's the point? They just sit there and eat bugs.

A hamster. I am terrified of hamsters. I had one when I was ten...her name was Daisy and she was a bitch. She bit me every time I picked her up. Not to my dismay, we found her paws up after coming home from  a vacation.

So far, this is all he has come up with. Until today that is. We came home from the grocery store and found Milo (our outside cat) batting around a poor little mouse. I usually turn my head and continue walking inside like one of those people who see little kids getting a spanking in a store thinking "Aww, poor kid. Oh well, there's nothing I can do but walk away and let him suffer without embarrassment." I mean, this isn't a rare thing...that stupid cat catches a mouse about every other day. I can't spend all my time trying to save the mice around here. He's probably keeping them out of my house anyway.

Anywho, poor Caiden spent about 10 minutes chasing Milo away. I told Caiden to chase the mouse off into the woods so Milo couldn't get to it, and then I went inside. About 10 minutes later, Caiden comes walking through the door with the poor violated mouse in his hand as he asked the dreaded question..."can I keep him?" Oh, the horror! I tried my best to explain that he couldn't keep a wild field mouse in his room, especially one that has been mutilated by our evil cat. The look on the kid's face was heartbreaking. I told him we'd take some pictures, and then he had to let the mouse go.


After we took the pictures he walked out the door, tears in his eyes and his shoulders hunched forward. Watching him walk to the field was so sad...I could almost hear Taps playing in the distance.

Yes, he washed his hands thoroughly!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Feeling Better

I can finally breathe! I am only blowing my nose about once every 30 minutes now, which is a huge improvement. Nothing much going on this week, other than the usual mile high pile of clothes and even higher pile of homework! Here are a few pictures I've taken over the last few days. Have a great Thursday everyone!

The boys playing basketball in the kitchen.

Such concentration!!

Levi in brother's hat.

Caiden being silly, as usual.

Levi fell asleep in the floor...a VERY rare occurrence.

Checking out the snow.

Levi "duck" (stuck) in brother's dresser drawer...nice hair, buddy.

And my personal favorite...Levi wearing heels. Yes, I realize that my child has no pants on in almost all of these pictures. :)

Monday, March 1, 2010

Monday Morning Missions

I have discovered that I am a lazy bum. :) No, not really, but I do have a hard time getting my crap together and getting motivated to get things done around the house. Last week, I made myself a list of 5 things I wanted to get done that week and hung it up on the fridge. I didn't get it all done, but I imagine I might have if I hadn't of felt like my head was the size of a watermelon! Anywho, I've got to get organized and in somewhat of a routine before this little bean in my belly gets here. I have come to the conclusion that my house is never going to be spotless, at least until these little monsters we like to call our children have flown the nest. So I think if I give myself a list of things (aside from the ordinary, everyday clean up and such) to do for the week, that I might not get all overwhelmed and stressed out about not getting everything done at once.

Enough of my rambling, you get the point. :) So here is my first Monday Morning Mission for the week!

1. Organize "crap pile"on the counter
2. Get finances in order
3. Decide on summer courses and fill out FAFSA
4. Thoroughly clean Levi's room
5. Organize Levi's art stuff (OMG, what a total MESS!)

So that's it! Happy Monday everyone!