Friday, November 6, 2009

A Wonderful WalMart Experience







WalMart is such a wonderful place. Where else can you buy Depends for your grandmother, tires for your car, and carrots for your salad all under one roof? Nowhere, that’s where! WalMart is the happening place nowadays. On Friday and Saturday nights all the cool kids are hanging around (doing who knows what) until the wee hours of the morning. On Sunday afternoon, it must be a tradition for everyone to stop by after Church and hang out in the electronics section. During the week between the hours of 8 and 11, all of the stay at home moms are running around like mad women trying to get their grocery shopping done before the working moms pick up their kids from school and it starts getting crowded (or before their toddler knocks over any more cans of green beans or breaks someone’s eardrums with his incessant squealing. Ahem, I wouldn’t know anything about that because my child is an angel). 

On any given Friday morning (between the hours of 8 and 11), this would probably your experience at the local Walmart. 

You walk in the door, and you are greeted by your local WalMart greeter who is always (ok, never) smiling and happy to see you. There’s a cute little kid being pushed by his mother (who is running around like a mad woman trying to get her grocery shopping done before the working moms pick their kids up from school and it starts getting crowded). You wave and smile at the little boy who is happily eating his blue sucker. He smiles and waves back. 


You mosey on over to the vitamins and begin trying to decide between the 500 different brands and kinds that are there. The mother with the cute kid is also looking for vitamins. As she is bent over grabbing the “Flinstones” variety, the cute kid loses a shoe. You pick it up and hand it to him. The cute kid says “taint too!”. You say, “you’re welcome.” The cute kid says “taint too” again, you say “you’re welcome”, again. The mother, who had just finished picking up ten boxes of Centrum Silver that she accidently knocked over, says “thank you” and quickly pushes her child down the shampoo aisle. 


While you are trying to decide between tylenol and motrin, you hear a loud crash. Curious, you peek around the next aisle and see the cute kid with the blue sucker laughing at his mom who is trying to wipe up 3 bottles of Listerine that had exploded when cute kid jerked them off the shelf when her back was turned. You go back to your tylenol/motrin dilemma. 


After grabbing your shampoo, cat food, dog food, fish food, house plant, and ratchet set, you see cute kid and his mom looking at spray paint. Since you need some spray paint anyway, you walk down the aisle and wave at cute kid who now has a cute little blue mustache from his sucker. “Cute kid you have there”, you say to his mother. She says thank you, and hurries past you. You wonder why she is in such a hurry. At the end of the aisle, she stops to pick up cute kid’s shoe that fell off and cute kid proceeds to pull down a box of 10 cans of spray paint into the floor. You laugh to yourself, help her pick it up, and walk on. 


After checking out what’s new in housewares and the hunting section, and electronics, you see cute kid and hurried mom again racing through the baby section. Cute kid only has on one shoe. 


You decide you need some groceries, so you follow hurried mom and cute kid to the grocery section. Cute kid proceeds to start screaming at the top of his lungs because he dropped his sucker and it broke into a million pieces. Hurried mom tries to give him a sip of her lemonade which he then throws into the floor. Hurried mom asks a Walmart clerk for some paper towels. While she is cleaning that up, cute kid reaches back into the buggy and grabs the bread. Hurried mom sees this and tries to take it away from cute kid, but it’s too late. She grabs the squished bread and throws it back in the cart. 


A few aisles down, you meet up with cute kid again, who is screaming at the top of his lungs for a “nack”, whatever that is. You are trying to decide between cottonelle and angel soft, but cute kid won’t stop squealing and it is really messing up your concentration. Hurried mom and cute kid turn down the next aisle. Finally some peace and quiet so you can make this difficult toilet paper decision. 


Another loud crash, laughter, then the squealing again. You grab cottonelle. Turning the corner, you see 3 boxes of goldfish laying in the aisle. Hurried mom is walking rather quickly in the other direction. You meet them yet again, and you see that hurried mom’s glasses are crooked and her hair is looking rather disheveled. Cute kid’s cute blue mustache is now a beard and looks rather disgusting. Cute kid throws a fruit loop at you as you walk by.


While you are getting bacon, you notice hurried mom trip over her shoelace and in the process of leaning over to tie it, her cell phone flies out of the buggy and lands next to the Ballpark hotdogs. Hurried mom mutters something that sounds like "damn it".  Cute kid starts screaming “ho do! ho do!”. Hurried mom grabs a pack of hot dogs along with her cell phone. Cute kid then proceeds to throw the hot dogs into the floor. Hurried mom picks them up and rushes off to the meat department. 


You turn down the baking aisle, because you have lost interest in the cute kid and his hurried mom. As you are picking up a box of cornmeal, you hear random squeals and several “I’m sorry’s” coming from the direction of the meat department. 


When your buggy is full of the many treasures that WalMart has to offer, you make your way to the check out. The two lines that are open are about 10 miles long, and the one that looks the shortest happens to be the one that cute kid and hurried mom are waiting in. You get behind them. Cute kid decides that the tomato sitting next to him would make a good baseball so he throws it at you. Now you have squashed tomato on your shoes. Hurried mom, who now looks like some crazed person just let out of solitary confinement tells you “I’m sorry”. Four times. 

3 “Us Weekly” magazines are pulled off the shelf by cute kid, along with 1 push pop and a reeses cup while hurried mom is busy unloading her groceries onto the belt. You pick them up, cute kid says “taint too!” and throws them in the floor again. Cute kid is really becoming obnoxious. The cashier finishes ringing up hurried mom’s humongous load of groceries. Hurried mom is digging through her gigantic pocket book. She can’t find her wallet. Cute kid has a pretty blue wallet and has pulled out about 10 credit cards and thrown them in the floor. Hurried mom says I’m sorry (five times) and finally pays for her groceries. 


Thank goodness, she is gone...now that you see that “cute kid” is really “obnoxious kid”, you see why she was in a hurry. 


You proceed to the parking lot with your purchases and realize that you are parked next to hurried mom who is trying to put her groceries in the car. Cute kid is in his car seat throwing fruit loops at your car. Hurried mom tries to stop him while her buggy rolls away and crashes into a curb. Luckily, it didn’t hit your car. You grab the cart and take it back to her. She says thank you (four times). Hurried mom gets in her car, and drives off with a sippy cup sitting on her roof.

I promise I am not “hurried mom”. My child is an angel, and would never act like this. (Grin)


Thanks for reading!
-Hurried Mom, I mean, Rachael



3 comments:

  1. My son has autism, and a couple of years ago, when he was still not able to go out without tantrumming, I was in the store waiting on a prescription. I had already had a LONG day and was in no mood for anybody's mouth about how my son was acting. One lady walked up to me and just gave me a smile and patted my son and walked away. It made me cry!

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  2. I know how you feel! Sometimes it's so hard not to get rude with people who give you dirty looks when you have a child that's acting up. I try not to let it bother me anymore. Who cares what other people think? You have a little boy that you love and he loves you too...that's all that matters :)

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  3. This was so funny!! I laughed so hard--BELLY LAUGHED--mostly because I know hurried Mom and Cute Kid so well, and the picture was crystal clear! You made my day.

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